This fall break I had something inside me urging me to write, for the sole reason of getting my thoughts out. I almost didn’t end up writing anything, but after watching “in the wild” in the theaters with Alex I just told myself I not only wanted to write, but I wanted to write a book. Forgive me if this post is quite long.
The windy city, taught me about truth, music, brotherhood, and the pursuit of joy. It is amazing how school can bind you up in a clutter as to make you forget about how to put your thoughts down. I remember the day before taking my old testament interpretation test, I was up till 4 or 5 am studying for it and my attention deficiency order took over and I started look at all these modern art photographs. I was so intrigued and just kept flipping through pictures for over an hour and a half. I completely forgot about my test at 9am. As critical as I am about modern art I thought to myself isn’t life so great? That you can almost take a picture of anything and find something beautiful about it. You can take that analogy and expand it on so many different levels. Art, to me, is about finding beauty in anything. This definition makes me appreciate art all the more. I wished all weekend that I had a camera and I almost spontaneously bought one. I realized though that when I write it’s all about painting a picture, something I can look back at and smile. I’ll either wonder “what was I thinking?” and laugh, or relate to what I was thinking and laugh.
Before fall break I was so frustrated with all my busyness and assiduity. You know when you are in one of those moods where you want to have nothing to do, or where you want to drop the industrialized things that you have to do and take a road trip across the country (not that we ever satisfy this craving)? I just laid out on the grass, headphones blasting, and hands lifted high, and I just wanted to breathe life in, like a dude coming out of a burning house gasping for air. It’s that feeling you get when you look at something so much bigger than you and you are in awe, and you just can’t get enough of it (of God). I listened to David Crowder’s song “stars” with that line that goes “you should the see stars tonight, how they shimmer shine so bright, against the black they look so white, coming down from such a height, to reach me now.” I was just living vicariously through those stars, wishing to be as missional, wishing to reach the world with that kind of light.
I’ll start from the beginning of my fall break trip to Chicago. I got in a car with Jocelyn, Nick, and Kelsey and set out for Airtran standby-style, the way I love it. To summarize my fascination with Airtran standby it teaches me every time in a metaphorical way that when you leave things up to God, you end up in the place where He wants you to be, and this is the best place of all. The security line for the Atlanta airport was about an hour and half wait and I heard comments like “this is the worst line I’ve seen in 15 years of working at this airport.” You can imagine how many people missed their flight so the standby waiting line for my flight to Chicago was 26 people. This marked the closest time I came to giving up on getting on my flight. There happened to be only one person that did not show up and you can guess what happens next. “Mr. Chen… please board the plane.” I genuinely felt bad, sort of like I had sold them a bill of goods. I just looked back at some Emory students, snug business men, and other people that had been waiting hours longer than me. I got evil comedic thoughts like if this plane crashes they’ll be really happy and say, “I was so close to getting on that plane but there was only one seat open and a little Asian guy got on it.” I got to Chicago and we went to Chinatown to grab some of the best food I’ve had in a long time along with a honeydew grass jelly drink, and a banana smoothie with mini tapioca. In the morning, Alex and I sat down next to Michigan Lake and just talked about struggles, successes, frustrations, and anything funny we could think of.
In the afternoon we got on a train set for Wheaton College. I was sort of cautious about the whole thing. I was afraid I would love Wheaton so much that I would decide to transfer. The history behind this is that I wanted to go to Wheaton all throughout high school and at the last minute I decided to apply to Emory because I felt God calling me to a non-Christian school. I loved Wheaton more than I ever dreamed I would, but at the same time realized that my struggles at Emory were something that God in his sovereignty, wants me to go through. On the way back from Wheaton Alex and I were just like… man, that felt like coming back from a retreat. We were hosted by Stephen Huang, his 3 roommates Alex, Nate, and Andrew, and Janet Tong. We only stayed at Wheaton for about 2 days but the relationships spawned so fast that after the weekend I felt like I had known them forever. To give you a feel of what it was like, the first night after talking to them for about an hour about different things that I had been struggling with (such as women’s rights issues in the bible, the sovereignty of God, and inconsistencies in the bible) one of them just goes, you guys want to pray? I’m just thinking to myself I have never had anyone so open to prayer. I found out later that this guy wakes up at 7:30am every morning and prays.
These are some of the lessons I remember learning at Wheaton. I talked to them a lot about church planting because that’s what I want to do in the future and I was telling them how careful I was of mega churches even though some of my favorite speakers are part of them and Nate just tells me the problem with all these Buckhead screen churches and mega churches is that church becomes more about the personality of the pastor than the personality of God and it just pinpointed my feelings of discretion. Discipleship and being a Sheppard seems to me the most biblical and truthful way to be a pastor.
I got to juxtapose Matthew 13:17 (For I tell you the truth, many prophets and righteous men longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it), and John 5:39-40 (You diligently study the Scriptures because you think that by them you possess eternal life. These are the Scriptures that testify about me, yet you refuse to come to me to have life). This just showed me that you can be righteous and memorize the entire bible (as the Pharisees did) and still not get what the heck God is talking about or pointing to. To sum that up knowledge and righteousness surely does not lead to understanding.
I got to apply that to my frustrations with understanding 1 Corinthians 15:19 (If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men). I always wondered why I could not relate to Paul when he found his hope in heaven. But then I read 2 Corinthians 11:24-28:
Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers. I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches!!!!!!!!!!!
How can we as Christians in America (or Disneyland) relate to this? Of course Paul finds his hope in heaven! I can’t relate to desiring heaven which tells me that there will one day be no hunger, sickness or death, when I’m never hungry, sick, and nobody I really care about is dead on earth. We must learn to live a life that can understand the bible. When Paul says “pray at all times,” I can find no relevance in that, but it is because I do not live a life that can understand that. I’m going to blog later on about the difference between humanism and God glorifying Christianity but I wanted to mention my growing frustrations with human rights, good works, and utilitarian religion overshadowing the glory and kingdom of God. This had gotten me so upset that I could barely talk at one point. Just because we can not understand something doesn’t make it not true.
Finally, Alex and I got to experience the movie “Into the Wild” Monday night which spurred me to write all of this. If you haven’t watched this movie, watch it. While looking at the yearnings of a human soul that was so realistically presented in the movie “into the wild,” with its flaws and successes, I was able to really see God. In the movie it said sometimes it’s not important to be strong but to feel strong. That’s sort of how I feel about joy. Sometimes it’s more important to feel joyful that to be joyful (even to the point of rejoicing in sufferings). The whole movie was awesome but I had this constant frustration with the main character because I knew he had gotten it all wrong. He had tried to find love and God alone. I was so happy when he finally got it at the end. He wrote “happiness is only real when shared.” This trip was only beautiful because it was shared with one of my best friends Alex. May you find someone to share your love with.
I came to Chicago lost, confused, and filled with sin and I came out with a better wrist, new hope, and still weak as ever but with Jesus. Welcome to typing with TWO hands, welcome to a new perspective, and welcome to Atlanta (where the playas play).
