Anyways, the topic that I’ve set out to write about has to do with the foundation of my belief. I have recently been turned upside down and the stage I’m at right now is pretty lost and confused. I grew up a neo-Christian kid. This meant for me that I didn’t really believe in the bible, but I sort of believed in Jesus and I knew there was a God. When I became a real Christian in high school I moved in the opposite direction becoming more and more conservative theologically (relatively for a young person) because I felt this was the only way that I could come to terms with many of the verses of the bible, and inerrancy of the bible was the only way I could come to terms with who God was, and knowing who God was through the bible was the only way I could come to terms with Calvinism, and the only reason I came up with the sense that God was an all knowing, all purposing, all loving, perfect, indestructible, all glorifying, never failing God and human as incapable, sinful, evil, and completely and utterly selfish was because this was the only God I ever knew, and because this was the only me I ever knew. As all of these are connected when one became shaky, they all became shaky and as you can see many of beliefs are completely indefensible and unexplainable.
So I’ve always been so afraid to take theology classes at Emory because we are known to be a relatively liberal seminary, and I never wanted to lose my sense that I was the greatest sinner, and God was in all ways everything, but I ventured out this semester and decided to take New Testament Greek, and Old Testament interpretation. With one week of school under my belt, my entire foundation has been shaken and the only question that I could think of was to what end? Why all this theological struggling? The 2nd day of my Greek class my professor puts up this quote, “He who begins by loving Christianity better than truth, will proceed by loving his own sect or church better than Christianity, and end in loving himself better than all.” (Samuel Taylor Coleridge, Moral and Religious Aphorisms).
To get some sense of what I feel I began writing this song:
I’m scared to ask these questions, I’m afraid of new confessions, graft my soul upon the rock, I’ll fall on faith in all my walks. I’m scared because I left you, for all I chose before you, I put my feet on top of fools, And lost my belief because of all these rules. Take me in circles, unlatch my foundation, leave me without a platform to stand on, so I’ll fall back onto you.
When I was watching Shawshank Redemption tonight with a bunch of my Residence Life staff there were two parts that were really similar that confused me at first. When Brook (the old guy) and Morgan Freedman got out of jail they both talked about how they didn’t want to be afraid anymore. This led Brook to kill himself and Morgan Freedman to find his joy. The question that came up in my head was what were they so afraid of? I still don’t really know but for my own convenience and because it is what has gotten me so afraid and what I think makes everyone afraid. Here are two quotes: "Unbelief is not the only way of suppressing the truth about God... It is only the most honest" (Merold Westphal, Taking St. Paul Seriously.), and “love must be sincere” (Romans 12:9). I think honesty is what freaks everyone out. It is what caused Brook to hang himself. No matter if you believe in God or you don’t believe in God honesty freaks you out. If there is no God then we are all blindly running around until we die and we become part of the circle of life. Volitare the French philosopher said, “If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.” Why would you want to invent God? Because the truth of there being no God would be too insurmountable for mortal humans.
Now if you are a Christian like me, you have to climb some pretty big honesty mountains too. What the heck do I even believe and what is the foundation of my belief? Or as Laurence Peter puts it, “Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to believe.” Both Christians and non-Christians alike like to get around these tough, and important questions and they’ll both use different excuses that sound pretty good to the ears. Christians can use the F bomb! Faith. As a Christian you can pretty much answer any question with faith, something like Ephesians 3:12, “in him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.” I’m not saying you shouldn’t approach issues with faith, because that will come in my conclusion, but most of the time I use faith it’s because I’m too afraid to believe anything else. Non-Christians always have the handiness of alcohol and drugs to go into alter-reality and reasoning to make them think they have things together.
I’m still in this confused state now so I have no easy answers now but all I can see is where you end up is all based off your response. Brook could have lived a good life if he had only been more willing to take on truth head on. Judas (the one who betrayed Jesus) could have served God even after he betrayed Jesus if he had only asked for forgiveness just like Peter did after he denied Jesus three times. I want to be really honest, and no doubt honesty freaks me out because look where I am now, I want to go in circles and find God more precious then he ever was in my life and I hope you will seek and find as well. “Thou hast made us for Thyself, and the heart of man is restless until it finds rest in Thee” (
There you go I killed two birds with one stone, writing something down and listening to music. I will warn myself again and again that after all my exegesis and pedagogical studies, that my foundation is grafted on Jesus Christ and that my faith is always in Him even if frogs start falling from the skies. Take that reason!
